IN THE HAND OF THE GODDESS, CHAPTER SIX: CAPTURED!, OR, KIDNAPPED! WAS ALREADY TAKEN SO WE WENT WITH THIS

Alanna wakes up after her dry-magic dirt nap to find the sun shining and her wounded arm (very poorly) bandaged by none other than the heir to the throne of Tortall.  Apparently he managed to weasel into her tent before anyone else to patch her up and ensure that no one else got an eyeful of gay squire boobage.

 
She has been asleep for three days, because in Tamora Pierce books no one ever passes out for a tidy half hour.  Alanna asks if they’ve found Jem Tanner and tells Jon that Thor was innocent.  Jon actually bellows “TREACHERY!”  This is one of the earlier onset signs of his transformation into Asshole Jon: random yelling.  Apparently the order given by King Roald not to retake the left bank still holds, and he’s even thinking of giving the Tusaine army the right bank to shut them up.  Alanna points out that if they give Tusaine the right bank they won’t stop until they regain the whole valley:

Jonathan nodded. “But no one can convince my father of that.  He takes being called ‘The Peacemaker’ very seriously.”
“He did establish peace after the Old King’s conquests,” Alanna said fairly.
“Yes, but this time he’s wrong!”  Jonathan growled.  He brooded for a few moments before smiling and taking her hand. [My God, growling and brooding in the same sentence, he’s practically Mr. Darcy.]  “Look at me.  You’re not awake five minutes and I’m burdening you with my problems.  Mithros, I’m glad you’re all right!”
Alanna squeezed his hand.  “Thank you for taking care of me, Jon.”
He reached over to brush a strand of hair away from her face.  Suddenly he was very close.  Alanna discovered she was afraid to breathe.  Carefully, almost timidly, Jonathan kissed her mouth.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

As luck would have it, Myles chooses that minute to blunder into the tent, barely giving them enough time to spring apart and do the Definitely Not Making Out Dance.  Jon is reading a book, Alanna is drinking from a water bottle, and both of their faces are colours that faces oughtn’t be.  Myles is, of course, sharp as a box of tacks, knows exactly what’s going on, and chooses to observe their discomfort with quiet satisfaction.  As do we all, Myles, as do we all.

Duke Roger (oh, yeah, remember him? I know we are all very sad about Thor’s tragic death, but Duke Roger = still a thing!) orders Alanna to stay away from fighting for a while so she doesn’t fall asleep for three days again.  She is pissy about this, and about the fact that Douglass is acting as Jonathan’s squire while she’s out of commission.  To vent her frustration she volunteers to do every-friggin’-thing in camp: working in the healers’ tents, assisting the resident blacksmiths, and acting as a sentry.  Duke Roger finds her at this one evening and decides to have a casual chat with her, despite Faithful trying to rip his face off.  (Faithful, you are the WORST FAMILIAR.)  After a few minutes of aimless chitchat (where’d you get your nails done, what are you taking in school, have you ever transcended space and time, etc), the Duke suddenly gets down to the nitty gritty:

“We are not friends, are we, Alan?”

This is the conversation that follows, slightly paraphrased:

ALANNA: No, I kind of hate you.
DUKE ROGER:  That’s a shame.  If you didn’t hate me so much I might not want to kill you so hard.
ALANNA: You’d still want to kill all my friends pretty hard, though.  Not so down with that.
DUKE ROGER: I see.  Well, I’m going to leave you alone in this suddenly rising fog now.  If you start feeling sleepy, don’t worry, it’s definitely not a spell I’ve brewed up to disable you so you can be kidnapped by the opposing side.  Goodnight!

Yeah.  Guess what happens.

The kidnappers take Alanna, but they forget Faithful, who is curled up tight and will not wake up.  The Tortallans assume that this is because magic, rather than because cat.

Duke Roger tells Jon & Co. that they cannot cross the river to rescue Alanna, as per the King’s strict no-crossies rule.  Jon is freaking out because what if they see the gay squire boobage?  He tries to mention this to Myles, who gently not-quite-says that he already knows about said boobage, dummy, and also have you gotten to second yet?  It is decided that at some point that evening Myles will be elsewhere in camp, and if Jon and his heroic buddies decide to go for a little trip, maaaaaaybe across the river… well, who can stop them?

Alanna eventually wakes up (presumably not three days later, but in a Tamora Pierce book it’s always iffy) in a wooden hut with two other prisoners, a pair of foot soldiers named Micah and Keel.  They are all chained up; Alanna tries to use magic to break her chains, but they’ve been spelled so the Gift doesn’t work on them.  A Tusaine captain comes into the room to tell Micah and Keel that they will be paid and released if they give information; when they ask what will happen to Alanna they are told that she will not be ransomed, because Duke Hilam (remember him? he’s the King of Tusaine’s dastardly brother!) wants to speak to her personally.  And by “speak to” he means “torture.”

Keel and Micah, of course, refuse to say anything, because all Tortallans are fucking noble as balls.  Once the captain leaves the three of them try to figure out how to get out of the hut; Alanna finally remembers that she has a set of lock picks hidden in her belt and sets them free.  (Her own chains, of course, are magicked to melt her lock picks when she tries the same thing on herself.  Gee, Alanna, it’s almost as if A POWERFUL SORCEROR WANTS YOU TO DIE.  But whatever, you have no proof.)  When they hear footsteps, Keel and Micah hide themselves on either side of the door, ready to use their chains as weapons—which actually turns out to be a bad move, as Duke Hilam has the Gift and likes to blast doors off their hinges instead of opening them like a normal person.  Keel and Micah are knocked unconscious, their daring escape plan ruined, and Alanna is left to face yet another good-looking, magically powerful duke who wants to kill her.  They’re a dime a dozen in the Eastern Lands, apparently.  Hilam is followed by—surprise!—Jem Tanner, who it turns out is actually Count Jemis, the King of Tusaine’s other brother.

Okay—so you’ve got a king, a duke, and a count, who are all brothers?  Like, legitimate brothers?  The Tusaine feudal system is fucked up.

The Duke kicks her a bit and threatens to cut out her tongue, and Alanna endures it because Micah and Keel have regained consciousness and she wants to give them time to escape.  And also because she’s in frickin’ chains and can’t fight back against a frickin’ evil duke.  Jemis asks if he can kill her, because “I could have killed Prince Jonathan that night if he hadn’t been there” (SPOONING ON HORSEBACK); Hilam says he needs to stab some information out of her first.  Alanna makes fun of him, which is always a wise choice when you’re tied up and held hostage by someone who intends to kill you.  Before her dumbassery can get her into deeper shit, however, Prince Jonathan and the cavalry show up to take Jemis and Hillam as hostages, thereby ending the war and keeping Alanna safe and un-tortured.

Yep.  That is actually how this chapter ends.  They sign peace treaties, the Tortallans get their fucking valley back, and everyone goes home by August.

Jesus, this book.

Do we have time for another pointless war before the end of the novel?  Will Alanna and Jon do more horseback spooning?  Is that SERIOUSLY the end of the Tortall-Tusaine conflict, seriously???  Find out next time in CHAPTER SEVEN: WINTER LESSONS, OR, ALANNA FEELS PRETTY, BONING ENSUES.